I know there are some people who look forward to the presidential debates, whether they genuinely want to hear from the candidates, or because they have an awesome drinking game to play, but I am not one of them. I just can’t stomach the blatant lies, the personal attacks, the empty promises. And most of all, the lack of decorum. Someone needs to teach these people the art of witty banter and the ability to administer the cut direct so cunningly that his or her opponent won’t even realize it was administered.
So until politicians can learn to behave like Regency ladies and gentleman, I will be avoiding the debates and instead look to newspapers and other sources to determine how I will cast my vote.
Without further ado, here are twenty things I would rather do than watch the debates:
- Give my cat a bath.
- Run across a floor covered in Legos.
- Spend an entire night having that high school dream where I have I test I didn’t prepare for.
- Go back to high school and attend prom in the nude.
- Listen to SpongeBob laugh for twenty-four hours straight.
- Clean the elephant enclosure at the zoo.
- Be kicked by a donkey.
- Have every hair on my head plucked one at a time.
- Listen to the sound dogs make just before they vomit. Repeatedly.
- Clean a gas station bathroom.
- Watch toddlers have a tea party using my wedding china.
- Squeeze Ghost Pepper juice into my eyes.
- Eat a tarantula.
- Have a one week deadline to write a book.
- Have a thousand spiders crawl over me.
- Get sprayed by a skunk.
- Get stranded in an elevator.
- Be trampled by a herd of raging turtles.
- Run a marathon in wooden shoes.
- Leave my house on Black Friday.
So tell me, do you watch the debates? If not, what would you rather do?